name

Oh i forgot to mention that day in the last comp.class me n S were sort of relieved? cz we thought u 3 were not coming.then 'kreekkk'.u appeared.n S msg me in gmail chat.and u sat behind me.for the 1st and the last time of our final year n after the tragedy.n y am i emphasized it here.cuz u called my name,after 10months.i wonder how did u felt when u hv to called me to gv the attendance list?its sort of sad.but i wasnt sure of my feelings at tht time. i heard u.yes,but it was only once. so i ddnt turned back cz i dont want to be labeled 'perasan' plus u said it too slow.honestly if u call it another time that is twice,i would turn around.even though it would hurt me to see your face. then i heard the chair moved.'ahh hes coming'..i ddnt expect that. then i think u said something like 'nah..bla3'. i can only say thank you n not looking at you at all n concentrate on the screen. i tried so hard to be sincere, to put a smile n look at you,but yet still i dont hv the strength to do tht. i pray hard Allah gv me tht strength n sincere-ness.then the rest of the time i dont know whether u were looking or not cz me n T kept on going infront to show the asgmnt.im being selective visual so tht i dont hurt myself.even nowadays not looking at the parking lot so i dont see things i wont assume or will make a stipulation n then hurt me.even by not looking now its already torturing me at times.Ya Allah take away this sins n unnecessary feelings.

come on u need to move on n forget.its reaching the time limit already

last time

It was the last class . the last time we learnt together for the whole time in this place after all the years. u may hv few more months to go after this n yet i hope you're being a good muslim. changed to what u once told me u want to be, to what i used to perceived u, to what i always pray and never stop pray for. i could only see your back when you walk down the aisle; leaving the class. the last presentation. and the last time i'll ever see u other than  the final exam and perhaps last ever in my life; 9/5/13 Thurs.

wide open

i don't know why i have the urge to go out to accompany I n A.then yet i can feel that; something might happened.n then tadaaa...that something passed me and i saw it in front of my eyes with that thing they exchanged since last week which i thought had turned back to normal. with the act i know its that figure.oh Allah why did u let me see n experience it.now it leave me with heavy heart.i don't have the strength to let the stream flow anymore n i don't know why i should be upset to begin with. you are a very bad decision maker,you keep making mistakes over n over again.did you know i never stop praying for you to come back to  the eyes i once saw back then when you were so sincere.or was i wrong you were never actually.ya Rabb,can only tell A,S n F to lessen the burden n of course the Almighty One. S said don't think cz she did that for her case and she felt ease and tranquil. I was until..that moment.

dark and blind

my good friend told me something that I didnt think of that kind of analogy,it sort of shock me how she could 'view' me like that.i was overwhelmed to be honest. it started when i was sort of emo that day cuz of what i saw the incidence this week,how stewwpeed of you how could you come out with that idea.such an JA.. oh how heavy my heart was. only YOU knows Ya Rabb. while waiting for Isya' prayer at the mosque i couldn't stop the streams while she was reciting the Qur'an, after finishing it she asked me whether i am ok or not. so i told her what was it in my mind from A to Z. and then you could guess how uncontrollable the stream went. sad 
then on the way back we're a bit on that conversion of that matter she said " you're like a medicine, for 'it' to get better, but 'it' didnt want to take it.i wonder why 'it' could make such a decision.." something like that..and i replied " who likes to take medicine,only people who knows its for their better-man and could appreciate it would take it in or else they rather suffer.." see i don't know why,what or how you become so stewwpeed.and with what i heard recently also,it's the same thing that tettt said.i wonder why you would choose such a thing over what your heart once content.i never stop praying for your goodness.may Allah help us all.Ya Rahman Ya Raheem.amennn...

that moment

Wow.It's been a while.reading the post down there...it's been 2 years since that night.The night that had changed my life forever and it's still fresh in my mind. And u.ughh u; who I resent so much.yet still care.oh Allah !
Reading that line.."...so i could retreat peacefully." from the previous post.Oh how I already said it to myself yet HE already planned for you. Ya Rabb, please forgive me and grant YOUR blessing on us and those surrounding me who is having this heart disease; guide us Ya Rabb.Only YOU know us, YOUR lowly slave.

it's almost 2 years since the confession; 1+ year of promises & 8 months after the tragedy.from dedication of 'Aishiteru' song to reply of "Cukup cukup sudah" song. Sad,very sad.

oh puffyness today ; PMS+fam.stuff+memories

you dont know what you're doing!

now its saturday 11.42 pm. yesterday marked 1 week of the conversation or could we say 'write-sation' haha..2am + on friday 15/4/11 morning till morning-daylight .no until night i reached home that was.pheww
i wished that time never happened.why?! cuz it leaves me in more confused, heart-aching and unstable state. i dont know what has gotten over me or you. but i would really like to believe what you have written but the present and evidences are showing something else. its just the preliminary stage and i should not be exaggerating things yet. fine. talking to my sis n mama sure eased what is inside my tangling mind.
i still couldn't believe i have the courage to do what i asked the day earlier. it was sort of embarrassing n i thought u wouldn't replied anymore and thats the end of it since it took u almost 1 day to reply back [ later figured why it took so long, or maybe not.i assumed it was since u told me the whole night-day fun u had].fine. i've lost hope, the 2nd hope to be exact. but since you replied stating to deny what u've done on that piece of paper. im totally set out. i wonder what makes u suddenly came up with the reply since i've set up my mind with the ' ok ' text. and then there everything blurt out. seriously i have a lot more to say, i mean write cuz YOU are playing with people's feeling and heart. and it does matter especially when somebody else really3x i could say love you. so why must you complicate things more and started it at 1st. now it has become a war, an unseen war.
ahhh didnt sleep the whole night packing for the evacuation and danggg u started the whole thing.lucky dura was up too so it soothed me a little to answer you back.to give proper replies
i dont know what to expect now. cuz somebody will get hurt at the end. so better be cautious and dont be too indulge in this thing so i could retreat peacefully.
thanks for drawing akilah, it was cute and sweet
waiting to see what u gonna write after a week and who are you going to greet 1st.ahh man they just being denial and ignorant.sigh~

small hole

wow almost a year ey?!
lotsa things happened ; fam.conflict,studies,friendship,err..love life?k-h eww haha! && even the world!
quite fun last nite.ema finishes her exam n we still hv 1 more to go in 5days.after that 5 months holiday!
end year end sem -roomies day out n hangover with me besties~ <3
but 1 thing that aches my heart..that 1 thing which had started since last year i supposed.
dear my little-young friend,
i don't enjoy our conversation/ jokes anymore.i would missed the time when i laugh my whole heart out with your jokes when nobody understand it && i would longed for the time u would listen to my stories and nonsense..sad

period.