1st last exm

1st last exm.just hoping tht can go through it cz we cant really assimilate the content.it was an interesting subject yet ....i jst saw ur back when we're still sitting by the sideroad wall as ppl were hustling to go in. i dont know y at that moment Allah make me to lift my head n saw ur back walking passed us. and in the hall i just walk n straightly looking for my table to avoid seeing things i dont want to.even when we finished i thought u're there with ur gang when your fren were teasing T since the car was side by side,i was wrong n i found out cz i asked my fren last night, u're the latest,n my thought was- ah must be seeing that thing.cant u just text?gawd~!- i dont look at my right side to avoid seeing things u see.but i ended up had a very short eye contact w the driver, n at that time i think u just get in the car. n last night when P n M wanted to go there having dinner, i almost declined.but i pray hard that i dont bump onto u guys cz of that spot.even in the evening, when we passed the area u always be, i still hv the courage to look at it,  thank god i dont see anything.everytime i take wudhu' when it come to the face part i'll doa that Allah dont let me see things i cant bear. n i am truly grateful for it at times.n the recent news i heard about my dear fren H ,was sort of heart breaking,almost made me cry, why is she need to experience things i had to. its painful n i dont want any of my frens to go through that.man are bakayaro.be firm.improve ur imaan.Ya Allah, please guide us.

name

Oh i forgot to mention that day in the last comp.class me n S were sort of relieved? cz we thought u 3 were not coming.then 'kreekkk'.u appeared.n S msg me in gmail chat.and u sat behind me.for the 1st and the last time of our final year n after the tragedy.n y am i emphasized it here.cuz u called my name,after 10months.i wonder how did u felt when u hv to called me to gv the attendance list?its sort of sad.but i wasnt sure of my feelings at tht time. i heard u.yes,but it was only once. so i ddnt turned back cz i dont want to be labeled 'perasan' plus u said it too slow.honestly if u call it another time that is twice,i would turn around.even though it would hurt me to see your face. then i heard the chair moved.'ahh hes coming'..i ddnt expect that. then i think u said something like 'nah..bla3'. i can only say thank you n not looking at you at all n concentrate on the screen. i tried so hard to be sincere, to put a smile n look at you,but yet still i dont hv the strength to do tht. i pray hard Allah gv me tht strength n sincere-ness.then the rest of the time i dont know whether u were looking or not cz me n T kept on going infront to show the asgmnt.im being selective visual so tht i dont hurt myself.even nowadays not looking at the parking lot so i dont see things i wont assume or will make a stipulation n then hurt me.even by not looking now its already torturing me at times.Ya Allah take away this sins n unnecessary feelings.

come on u need to move on n forget.its reaching the time limit already

last time

It was the last class . the last time we learnt together for the whole time in this place after all the years. u may hv few more months to go after this n yet i hope you're being a good muslim. changed to what u once told me u want to be, to what i used to perceived u, to what i always pray and never stop pray for. i could only see your back when you walk down the aisle; leaving the class. the last presentation. and the last time i'll ever see u other than  the final exam and perhaps last ever in my life; 9/5/13 Thurs.

wide open

i don't know why i have the urge to go out to accompany I n A.then yet i can feel that; something might happened.n then tadaaa...that something passed me and i saw it in front of my eyes with that thing they exchanged since last week which i thought had turned back to normal. with the act i know its that figure.oh Allah why did u let me see n experience it.now it leave me with heavy heart.i don't have the strength to let the stream flow anymore n i don't know why i should be upset to begin with. you are a very bad decision maker,you keep making mistakes over n over again.did you know i never stop praying for you to come back to  the eyes i once saw back then when you were so sincere.or was i wrong you were never actually.ya Rabb,can only tell A,S n F to lessen the burden n of course the Almighty One. S said don't think cz she did that for her case and she felt ease and tranquil. I was until..that moment.

dark and blind

my good friend told me something that I didnt think of that kind of analogy,it sort of shock me how she could 'view' me like that.i was overwhelmed to be honest. it started when i was sort of emo that day cuz of what i saw the incidence this week,how stewwpeed of you how could you come out with that idea.such an JA.. oh how heavy my heart was. only YOU knows Ya Rabb. while waiting for Isya' prayer at the mosque i couldn't stop the streams while she was reciting the Qur'an, after finishing it she asked me whether i am ok or not. so i told her what was it in my mind from A to Z. and then you could guess how uncontrollable the stream went. sad 
then on the way back we're a bit on that conversion of that matter she said " you're like a medicine, for 'it' to get better, but 'it' didnt want to take it.i wonder why 'it' could make such a decision.." something like that..and i replied " who likes to take medicine,only people who knows its for their better-man and could appreciate it would take it in or else they rather suffer.." see i don't know why,what or how you become so stewwpeed.and with what i heard recently also,it's the same thing that tettt said.i wonder why you would choose such a thing over what your heart once content.i never stop praying for your goodness.may Allah help us all.Ya Rahman Ya Raheem.amennn...

that moment

Wow.It's been a while.reading the post down there...it's been 2 years since that night.The night that had changed my life forever and it's still fresh in my mind. And u.ughh u; who I resent so much.yet still care.oh Allah !
Reading that line.."...so i could retreat peacefully." from the previous post.Oh how I already said it to myself yet HE already planned for you. Ya Rabb, please forgive me and grant YOUR blessing on us and those surrounding me who is having this heart disease; guide us Ya Rabb.Only YOU know us, YOUR lowly slave.

it's almost 2 years since the confession; 1+ year of promises & 8 months after the tragedy.from dedication of 'Aishiteru' song to reply of "Cukup cukup sudah" song. Sad,very sad.

oh puffyness today ; PMS+fam.stuff+memories