u know y?

Oh my gooooooooood!i dunno how to describe what I feel right now,soooooooo heavy,,sort of wanna cry,but it won’t come out!!u know y?

Earlier,when I just reached my ‘house’ a.k.a hostel a.k.a my room,,[aftr the mpw m’sian studies exam haha] I received msg from dibah,she said she’s at my house nw,in mesaieed,,so I was like smiling and replied to her, “haha,so far u went”..then she was like,, “ur mom invited us to hv lunch at ur house”,yea that’s y I was wondering,,hmm 5+pm,must be 12+noon something there,,then she said she wanna sent pixies through mms,,so I said okay,,then when I received the pixies,,o-m-g……I dunno what to say,not crying,not feeling tense,but I dunno,,,,u know y?cuz she sent pics of my room,the picture of the lunch..i saw my dad n the house’s hall,,glimpse of my mom at the kitchen n lastly my mom with her mom sitting at the sofa,,,it brings a lot of memories…..gosh,,,,how I wished I wanna go there back!so saddd~the images still lingered in my mind,,,I don’t think I’ll go back there again,either to see them or visited my friends,just hv to wait for my parents come back for eid this October..but my oh my,,,it brings back the reminiscences when we used to do that and dibah n family or even other m’sian will drop by..helping mama at the kitchen and many more…….plus meeting others at al bayan club or other m’sian house when there r some gathering and celebrations…sadsadsad!
Plus ym n msn acting crazy!they said it’s because of the connection,,but it seems okay!can even chat with dibah last night,,a proper chat!and it’s thousandsss kilometer away~~ but just now it irritated me soo much cuz cant hv a proper chat with adik cuz I wanna know the latest news how is she doing and my 2 nieces over there~testing my patience again…n now I’m sitting here writing this to lessen my anger,,haha what a way……..

On top of that,,tomorrow’s parents teaching meeting,,plus BM exm,,n still not ready for maths ppr this Monday,,so stress since it contributed most of the GPA~god…n computing the next day,,which I hd messed up the practical,,how depressing,,u know y?cuz I could do the trial, and it’s the same thing; I mean what the applications are,excel and words,and we know how to do it,,but the practical was a disaster!o-m-g………...o-m-g,,,dunno how the lecturers will say bout me to ateh then reported to ayah n mama,,,since the trial rslts weren’t that good,,,we r so unprepared yada yada yada,,,they might think,I’m not capable of doing it,,yea maybe,could be..sometimes I feel like I’m getting slower or even stupid-er as I grow up since the exm results are deteriorating a.k.a declining,,dunno y,,I used to asked my dad,,n tell him bout this but he said “ur brain are getting better+smarter as u grow up”..well,,,..hmm..when it comes to class discussion,I could answer most of it,,so they think,oh “she’s okay~no probs at all!” but the examiner will see ur paper;the answer booklet;what u wrote,,they don’t know who u r,or what u really r,how well u perform in class n so on~,,,,,,,,,u see,I dont want to disappoint my parents,after what they hv done,what they hv spent and many more sacrifices they hd done,,I don’t want it to be wasted,,,they said “it’s okay,u’ve tried ur best,don’t be sad or disappointed if the results r not good”,,whenever I asked them to pray for my success when they called me..but u still want the best, correct?i really hope I could be like my friends,,where they r already on their way achieving their dream and on the safe,right path,,sometimes I’m very jealous of them,really,truly envy them..my my my..i really hope I could make my parents delightful,happy n proud of my achievements,,someday..

I always think of chipp's words,what she wrote on my fs comment,, “ all that starts well..ends well..insyaAllah...remember to DOA A LOT..and always have GOOD thot on ALLAH for whatever ALLAH gives you..” it soothed me somehow,when I was sooo down when something not favourable happened..hmm..yes u hv to accept the qada’n qadar,,but u can changed ur destiny on certain part,,even in Mr.Robin’s mail he sent me,he said “success will come to those who r hardworking”..see so many ppl trying to tell me and encourage me to think positively,even my english teacher several days ago when I was getting the English results told me to not think negatively when I told her I didn’t do good for her ppr..even in the journal we hv to write,she wrote something like “failure is a way to success” in one of my entry,,but I dunno,,u hv this thing in ur mind cuz u’ve been ‘hit’ by so many ‘tragedy’ that weaken u,,this remind me of As lvl,,god,,,was heart-broken,,,see..n now I don’t want to repeat the same mistake,the same results,the same thinking ppl view u…it’ll be like o-m-g,,no improvement,,wherever she goes,it’be the same..

So yeah..*blowing nose,,was a bit emo in the parents part* …now I’m repeating what I wrote in the As lvl entry,, “I dunno what’s God’s plan for my future”..
Ya Rabb,please give me the will n strength to keep moving on,please lead n guide me on the right path,please forgive me for any of my wrongdoing and please avoid any mishap from occurring to me,,and please don’t let me to never forget to thank U and appreciate any of ur blessings whatever the circumstances are..aaaminnnnnn :]